SUCCESS Setting up your messaging and channels today, for a healthy Autumn and Winter 2022. With Matthew Hill #intercultural #leadership #coaching #training #keynotespeaker #income #marketing #business #negotiation #presenting #diversity # Set up I was in conversation with an esteemed colleague … Continue reading
Repairing your threatened VALUE
#anger #management #values #culture #diversity #coaching #lifeskills #resilience #gratitude #happiness #fun
In the current environment of uncertainty – Threats to personal safety, reduced financial security for many, unpredictable environmental change, and competing priorities, it comes as no surprise that there has been an exponential increase in incidents of anger, and that these have led to displays of inappropriate behaviour in the remote work context.
Today, we want to take a short and pragmatic look at hot buttons, the triggers that lead to angry people lashing out and causing harm.
Wouldn’t it be great, if thousands of people read this article, and hundreds of hair-triggered, pressure-cooker executives, could help themselves. We would all benefited from a diminution in the incidents of harassment, bullying and damage.
WARNING – If you feel you are near the edge, please, seek professional assistance. Help yourself to be good to yourself, and get the professional support you need.
Now read on
Triggers and hot buttons
Anger does not spring up spontaneously. Like a phobia, it is an inappropriate response, an odd neural connection that has been made. One which is not always helpful. We have to understand what triggers us, and walk back that trigger to its origins, do the processing work, and come out of this reflection, more mature and less volatile.
It is exactly the same as curing a phobia.
What are your Hot Buttons?
Are you wound up by an archetype? – Bossy bosses, lazy young people, gossiping staff, poor providers of customer service, or third language speakers?
Is it situational? – Queueing, delayed colleague responses, people showing off in meetings, unsupportive colleagues passively ducking out of helping you, etc.?
Are there behaviours that wind you up? – Manipulation, clowning around, “I” based monologues, lateness, cheating and work short cuts, non-intellectual chatter, etc?
Processing all of this
The start of your release from the tyranny of your triggers, begins with isolating their specific cause. Once you know your stimulus, you can begin the process of analysing your version of anger, to take back control, understand yourself, and reduce the risks of personal career disaster or hurting others.
What do I think when I am triggered?
The sight or sound of your trigger person or scenario, or just seeing a word, can set off a chain reaction.
When you are triggered, what thoughts and self-talk starts up in your head?
“Here we go again” “This is going to destroy the project” “I can’t function in the presence of this person” “This does not help me” “Have I got it wrong?” or “This is the wrong way to do this”, etc.
These thoughts, by definition, are not overly helpful. If they were, hot buttons and triggers wouldn’t be an issue. They would be motivational, and a career boosting!
Tip
Now may be a good time to dissociate yourself and your emotions from these provocative words, taking away their power and sting.
One method is to capture this whole trigger cycle in a Journal, write down notes contemporaneously, following the template we provide here. Then close the book, and, three days later, when you are in a fabulous state of mind, open up your Journal, and read the words from a dissociated distant, and a created safe place. Maybe sing them or adopt a silly nasal voice, like a cartoon character as you read them. All of this diminishes the power of your trigger within your inner anger cycle.
What emotions are stirred up and where do you feel them?
Our thoughts effect our body. And, our body’s reactions generate thoughts.
What emotions come up when you are triggered?
I feel angry, I feel afraid, I feel scarce and incompetent, I feel disgust and shame, my confidence drains away, and, I feel negatively vulnerable, etc.
And, where do you feel this?
Palpitating heart, adrenaline and cortisol rush in my chest and stomach, panting breathing, sweaty palms, red face, frozen limbs, throat constrictions stopping me speak, or making my voice go up in pitch, etc.
What do you manifest?
What behaviours do other people detect when you are triggered?
I freeze, I shout, I defend, deny or attack, I lie, I avoid the person who has triggered me, I over-apologise to deescalate, I break eye contact, I leave the room, I physically attack my opponent.
In this part of the cycle, it is important to raise your awareness of the cost of your behaviour to other people. This cycle will rebound and have consequences for you. Their reactions matter.
What effect does your behaviour, when you become triggered, have on other people?
They see me switch off, They think I’ve gone a little bit mad. They stop including me in the discussion. People mock my red face. My opinions are dismissed. I lose my right to vote.
Salvation
And, here is the revolutionary and clever bit. Whilst the connection, like a phobia, is an inappropriate example of learning, there is a completely logical and rational explanation for your behaviour too.
One of your core and fundamental principles, values or rules for living, has been violated, stamped on, or threatened. You are a good person and your values have been mistreated. And that is why you have reacted. The start of the reframing of the trigger cycle can begin when you connect the trigger with an abused value.
Which of your values is being stamped upon?
My need for survival, my longing to belong, being respected, heard and liked, collaboration and inclusion, being valued for my intellectual contribution, being seen as a full human being, people liking me, etc.
Wow – We have come a long way in just a couple of 100 words.
The main transformation has already occurred. We have made a move from an autonomic physical triggering, stimulated by seeing a face, or recognising a situational set up, tone or word. And, now we can move to a much more constructive and useful place – The place of knowing one of your life pillars, is being chipped away at, in this real circumstance.
Now, we can start to make some progress.
What are you going to do?
Love it, leave it or change it?
Reading through this pathway, may have been enough to allow you to dissociate from the autonomic trigger, and allow you to re-relate with that person, that situation, that word, and their bashing of your important value.
I’m OK, You’re OK
One of the simplest things we can do, is to fill in the other person and restore them to becoming a human being again, in YOUR eyes. There is nothing to forgive or excuse in the other person’s behaviour, if we understand them fully.
Replace
Work hard to substitute an asymmetrical relationship with one where you trade on equal terms. Build yourself up using a solid confidence enhancing techniques, such as writing down a fresh list of 75, 75 and 75 things, you are grateful for, the simple skills that you possess, and simple achievements that you have managed in the last week. Do this from fresh, every day for the next 10 days, and a new piece of paper, and life will be altered forever.
Cognitively, break the trigger cycle, associating the triggering face, circumstances, tone or word, with your offended value. Cut out the drama bit, and move straight to the tactical, rational and intellectual defence of your threatened value.
Investigate and fill out the other person’s perspective. Take some responsibility, and invest in learning more about their world, seeing it from the other person’s point of view, POV, walking in the other person’s shoes, and filling in the shared scenario using their priorities, their values and their needs. This is an extraordinary and liberating process, that will have you speaking on terms, with even the most annoying, or triggering people in your work or social environment.
WXYZ
You may intervene with another person’s behaviour. One that triggers you but also does not serve them well.
Here we employ assertiveness – The effective blend of power and diplomacy.
“When you did (behaviour) W, I thought X and felt Y. In future can you please do (behaviour) Z?”
Or, we can include them in a negotiation –
“Please tell me as I would like to understand – Why would you say something like that to me?”
This can lead to an Adult – Adult conversation that clears the air and resets the relationship.
Reference to external authority –
“That behaviour is not only unacceptable to me. It is also unacceptable to the company. I am going to report this to human resources.”
And. many more…
There are a vast number of techniques that will help you dissociate from your triggers.
Imaging a future where you have done the work and are living fully, free of wind ups, blow-ups, and triggers.
What will you do with all that peace, energy and extra free time?
Conclusion
This piece was written in response to a number of incidents, reported to me during my day job as a leadership skills trainer, that seemed amplified by isolation, pressure and untreated stress.
Reminder
Please do seek professional input if you are suffering unduly. No one should have to go through this alone.
About the author
Matthew Hill is a leadership facilitator and trainer, working with European and US corporate executives. To contact him, write a short email to: matthew.hill@hillnetworks.com
AND
Please forward this to anyone you think would benefit from anger management input.
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