We could always just rely on the Government to sort this out…
Only joking – The Cabinet must have now been briefed to such an extent that even the deafest of them has finally and fully realised the folly and cost of full-on BREXIT. So what is to be done? Here are 10 colourful suggestions that will put us on the road to a safer UK, a richer Britain and give us a better chance of keeping our jobs over the next decade.
Reader Warning – If you have a limited sense of humour or possess rabid levels of Breximatosis, please do not read further and consult a foreign doctor at the NHS…while you still can.
- A Cross Party Medical Movement
Stoke Mandeville hires 650 surgeons specialising in spinal repair from the EU and sets up a long row of M*A*S*H style green tents in Buckinghamshire to deal with all the MP’s that are currently suffering from Simpering Spineless Servant Syndrome – SSSS. They all have steel inserted to replace their current jelly-like backbones, recover, take a collective quadruple espresso and start representing the 54 Million people who did not vote leave.
With their new found powers they wake up and respond to the country’s actual impending economic crisis and start endeavouring to reflect the majority of their constituent’s current position on Europe.
They sweep all the muddled party leaders aside and start to act as one intelligent body as they last did during World War II to get us through the biggest mess since… World War II.
- A Positive U Turn
Theresa May resolves her internal crisis of conscience about her, “I want to be Prime Minister, no matter what the cost to my party, my country or greater Europe and even though I am a secret Remainer.” dilemma.
Next, she issues a genuinely courageous apology for getting it all so terribly wrong. She is then able to acknowledge the brutal truth of the country’s current perilous position and begins to show INSPIRING LEADERSHIP to return us from the cliff edge back to a prosperous and constructive dialogue and relationship with Europe.
- TV Game Show
Britain’s Got Traitors – Each week one of the biggest names from party politics is prosecuted for treason with celebrity “barristers” presenting real evidence of their lies, duplicity and self-interest during the referendum campaign.
If found guilty, the studio audience then vote on an appropriate punishment for the disgraced politician.
The programme will be beamed around the world to raise revenue to help reverse the losses in UK income suffered due to the drop in foreign trade, unpicked, unsold British fruit and our anaemic pound.
Jeremy Corbyn delivers a sincere apology for helping convert an irritating opinion poll into a real and dangerous law when he should have done the opposite. He is then rewarded for his moral strength with an honorary seat at Oxford University teaching “Social Ethics” and the “History of the Working Class” to confused Millennials.
Vince Cable – Simultaneously the brightest leader of any political party and leader of the least likely party to make ANY progress at all in the next decade.
Vince is given a vast prescription for Oil of Olay, Royal Jelly and magnums of Red Bull and put on the speaker’s circuit to spread his wisdom and magic, night and day to the British public in EVERY town hall in the UK.
- The Unexciting Voice of Reason
Phil Hammond is publicly pardoned for backing BoJo as Maybot’s replacement as PM in a typical Tory moment of madness in the wake of the 9th of June disaster. As the closest thing to sensible in Government – he takes over the Tory party and Cabinet and begins the difficult task of sorting this mess out. The least exciting of all the options but the least worst Tory one.
- Crowd Funded Abdication
Again, let’s get the public involved. When King Edward VIII abdicated in disgrace in 1938, he was paid off in cash and shipped out the become Governor of Bermuda. Let’s have the same for BoJo, Maybot, DD and Psy-Gove-Path.
Or, maybe we could have them form a crack leadership team to rebuild hurricane-hit Barbuda, one wooden house at a time?
Each of the 17 million BREXIT voters is fined £2,353.00 for their part in our economic downfall. The money is collected and given in compensation to the 17 million people who voted remain. This will balance out the costs for the economic damage caused, IF it is REPTEATED every year for the next decade.
- The Tower of London
Dodgy Dave Cameron takes his kids to the Tower of London and joins a guided tour. When in the White Tower, he leaves his kids (again) and wanders off to look at one of the cells. A sharp eyed member of the public slams the cell door shut and Cameron, who started this fiasco, gets the opportunity for a little contemplation time – to regret and confess his mistakes with quill and parchment. His publisher replaces his planned autobiography with the new tome and all the royalties are sent in compensation to Polish painters, plumber and plasterers by way of an apology.
- Invade Luxembourg!
We get a jump on Trump and pay a cheque to Mr Putin, asking him nicely to send 1000 vodka drinkers and 500 troops to quietly invade Western Europe – starting with Luxembourg. Our rude neighbour Junckers is then forced to telephone the head of our somewhat depleted UK army and ask us for assistance. We will then, for the first time since this mess began, be in a position to make a few small demands about our Exit from Brexit before we all face Wrexit.
Notice – No Europeans where hurt during the writing of this post.